1. After reviewing the information about the drafting introduction on page 3, review your own intro and decide what you can do to:
a. more clearly show what is at stake for your issue
For my introduction, I can more clearly show what is at stake when you are unhappy with your career and not only use examples that link with success.
b. more thoroughly contextualize your issue with background information (this is helpful for both intro and conclusion)
When I revise my paper, I can pick a specific career field instead of broadening it to any. Then, I can use background information from scenarios of actual successful people in that certain career.
c. write a few sentences for a. and b. that you will insert into your next draft.
If you are stuck in a career that makes you completely unhappy, not only will you live your life in depression, but you will lose sight of your job. What I mean is that you will not be satisifed with the outcome of whatever you do anymore. For instance, most teachers are teachers because they love it. It has nothing to do with salary, but more about their passion for the subject they are teaching to students.
2. Review your topic sentences of your body paragraphs:
a. Whether you are doing org. plan 1 or 2, your topic sentences should contain the criteria that you are discussing in the paragraph. (Review bottom of page 4 and all of page 5).
b. If you have any main topic sentences (do at least two here) that don’t contain the criteria of your definition that you are about to discuss in your paragraph, paste the old sentence, then write the revision of it that you will change in your next draft, like this:
i. OLD SENTENCE: YADDA YADDA
ii. NEW SENTENCE YADDA YADDA now with criteria clearly stated so we know what to expect out of this paragraph
i. OLD SENTENCE: Now, of course there will be people who disagree on my terms of being successful.
ii. NEW SENTENCE: Some people are going to disagree with my terms of being successful by saying it is all about the money and nothing else.
i. OLD SENTENCE: To be satisfied with your job, you must like your career field.
ii. NEW SENTENCE: If you like your career field and you enjoy being at work, then you are probably satisfied with your job.
3. Now, go through your body paragraphs and make sure that in the evidence sections of them, you are “developing” the criterion you are discussing, which means: explaining/defining each criterion for your definition. By the end of your paper, we should be able to tell a) your definitions, b) the criteria for those definitions, and c) the definitions of those criteria. (Look at page 5, description of BP1).
a. Find your shortest body paragraph. This is a quick way to determine which one needs more development.
b. Paste it in.
c. Then paste in a revision of it that contains more details and explanations of the criterion under discussion.
Success in the work field is based on being able to get up in the morning with a smile, being happy to start the day off at your job, getting along with your employees, being good at what you do, and forming a small connection with your boss. Without those key factors, you really just are not successful. If you go through life, as stated before, with just making a load of money and not being happy with your career, you will not think of yourself as a success. Sure, you can pretend, but deep down, there will be no form of fulfillment.
Revised: Success in the work field is based on being able to get up in the morning with a smile, being happy to start the day off at your job, getting along with your employees, being good at what you do, and forming a small connection with your boss. Without those key factors, you really just are not successful. Making a load of money and not being happy with your career can make powerful, money wise, of course. However, will you think of yourself as a success? By that, I mean would you look at yourself and feel a sort of fulfillment? If you can not look at yourself and be satisfied with what you are doing and how you are living your life, then you might conisder yourself a failure. That is the complete opposite of success.
4. Look over one of your rebuttal areas. If you have one (and you should; “considering the opposition” or “other viewpoints” is on the rubric) look for a way to revise it to be more developed, if you don’t have one, make one now to add into your next draft. Review page 6 and the ways that you 1) acknowledge opposition to your argument, 2) but prove how the opposition is not strong enough to invalidate your argument.
a. Paste in the old and new rebuttal sections
b. Or say that you hadn’t gotten around to that yet in your first draft and make one up now to include in your next draft.
Old Rebuttal: Now, of course there will be people who disagree on my terms of being successful. Success, to them, would mean making a lot of money, working extremely hard to be promoted, and making yourself known in that career field. Happiness, after-all, does not pay the bills. If you work as a small theater actress, which nothing is wrong with, you will not be making the best living for a family. You are not considered successful, then, unless you make it on the big screen and become the next Natalie Portman. But is that true? No, it is not. A small theater actress will be considered an accomplished citizen when she leaves the stage with pride after nailing a difficult scene. A local newspaper will talk about her brilliant skills and she will feel like a very important person. That, the sense of pride and achievement, is what makes you successful in your job.
New Rebuttal: Now, of course there will be people who disagree on my terms of being successful. Success, to them, would mean making a lot of money, working extremely hard to be promoted, and making yourself known in that career field. Happiness, after-all, does not pay the bills. If you work as a small theater actress, which nothing is wrong with, you will not be making the best living for a family. You are not considered successful, then, unless you make it on the big screen and become the next Natalie Portman. But is that true? No, it is not. A small theater actress will be considered an accomplished citizen when she leaves the stage with pride after nailing a difficult scene. A local newspaper will talk about her brilliant skills and she will feel like a very important person. That, the sense of pride and achievement, is what makes you successful in your job. Saying that being successful is all about money is like saying people with smaller income jobs are failures. However, they may get to go home every night to people they love while rich cardiologists have to stay in the operation room all hours of the night to make big money. What about their family? Is true success not about what you have done in life? Would having beautiful children and a wonderful family not be considered a success?
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